Cliff L. King, M.D. Internal Medicine

MEDICAL MALAPROPISMS

A Malapropism is the usually unintentional and humorous misuse of a word or phrase. Derived from Mrs. Malaprop, a character in Richard Sheridan's 1775 play "The Rivals," who was known for her verbal blunders.

A Little Dysentery - A Bit Of This Misery
Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm - Abominable Nordic Organism
Abdominal Pain - Abominable Pain
Abdominal Pregnancy - Atomic Pregnancy
Abstinent - Absent, Obstinate
Achilles Tendon - Aches In Tandem
Acidophilus - Sid and Phylis
Acupuncture - Acne Pressure
Acute Renal Failure - A Cute Real Failure
Adam's Apple - Atoms Addle
Adenoids - Asteroids
Alcohol Abuse - Add A Whole Caboose
Alcoholics Anonymous - Ethanol Is Unanimous
Alimentary Canal - Elementary Canal
Alpha-Adrenergic Agonist - All Fad Generic Egotist
Alzheimer's Disease - Old Timers Disease, Al's Hammers Disease
Amino Acid - A Mean Old Asset
Anorexia Nervosa - Erection Nervousness
Amino Acid - A Mean Old Asset
Anterior Cruciate Ligament - Interior Crucial Linament
Antinuclear Antibody - Am I Unclear Anybody
Atrial Fibrillation - Aerial Fibaration
Anorexia Nervosa - Erection Nervosa
Arthritis - Authoritis, Arthur
Ascorbic Acid - Acerbic Asset
Attention Deficit Disorder - Tension Defect In Order
Autistic - Artistic
Avascular Necrosis - A Masculine Neurosis

Barium Enema - Bare Minimum Enemy
Barrett's Esophagus - Barrel Sarcophagus
Belly Button - Bully Baton
Below the Knee Amputation - Baloney Amputation
Beta Blocker - Beat A Backer
Bezoars - Bee's Oars
Bladder Cancer - Ladder Cancer
Blockage Of The Large Intestine - Blockade Of The Huge Intesticle
Blocked Bowels - Locked Bowls
Blood Brain Barrier - Flood Rain Carrier
Blood Clot - Blood Clog, Blood Clock
Blood Letting - Bed Wetting
Body Mass Index - Bawdy Mess Insects
Botox - Buttocks
Bowel Impaction - Bowel Compaction
Bradycardia - Brady Coroner (slow heart rate)
Breast Augmentation - Brisket Argumentation
Breast Bone - Rest Home
Breast Mass - Beast Mass
Breathe With Your Diaphragm - Breed With Your Diagram
Breech Birth - Beach Forth, Reach Forth
Bronchial Asthma - Broccoli Asthma
Bronchial Pneumonia - Barnacle Pneumonia
Bundle Branch Block - Bungle Brunch Clock

Candida Infection - Canada Infection (yeast infection)
Cardiac Catheterization - Cadillac Castration
Cardioversion - Cardio Conversion
Carnal Instinct - Carnival Extinct
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Harbor Funnel Sent Home, Car Trouble Syndrome, Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
Cataract - Cadillac
Celiac Sprue - Shellac Spew
Cerebral Hemorrhage - Cereal Hemorrhoid
Cerebral Palsy - Cereal Posey, Sarah Palsy
Cesarean Section - Seizure In Sanction
Chicken Pox - Chicken Pops
Chief Complaint - Chef Compliant
Chills and Fever - Chilis And Fervor
Chiropractor - Choirpracter
Circulatory System - Circle A Story Symptom
Circumcised - Circumscribed
Circumcision - Circumscription
Cirrhosis of the Liver - Psoriasis Of The Liver, Roaches Of The Liver, Sclerosis Of The Liver, Scoliosis of the Liver, Sea Roaches Of The Liver, Sea Roses Of The River, Seahorses Of The Liver, Seriousness Of The Liver, Six Roaches Of The Liver
Cold Sore - Coal Store
Colonoscopy - Colostomy
Colon - Cologne
Coma - Commah
Compose Yourself - Compress Yourself, Decompose Yourself
Congenital Heart Defect - Genital Hearth Deficit
Contact Lenses - Contract Lessons
Contractions - Contraptions
Coronary Arteries - Corroded Arteries, Corronated Otter's Knees
Critical Care - Critic's Scare
Cruciate Ligament - Crucial Linament
Cut Off Your Nose To Spite Your Face - Get Off Your Snows Despite Your Pace
Cystic Duct - Cystic Duck (gallbladder duct)
Cystic Fibrosis - 65 Roses

D&C - DNC (Dilatation & Curettage)
Dead On Arrival - Did Honor A Rival
Debulking Procedure - Debunking Pro Seizure
Degenerative Disc Disease - Degenerate This Ease
Depo Provera - Depo Primavera
Deviated Septum - Deviant Symptom
Diabetes Type 2 - Diabetes Tattoo
Diabetic - Diabetical
Diabetic - Diabolic
Diaphragm - Diagram
Diastolic Pressure - Diabolic Fissure
Differential Diagnosis - Deferential Doug Knows This
Dilated - Delighted, Diluted
Disoriented - Disorientated
Duodenum - Duo Demon

Ectatic Blood Vessels - Ecstatic Flood Vassals
Ectopic Pregnancy - Atomic Poignancy
Eczema - Exema, Eggs and Ma
Ejection Fraction - Eructation Faction
Electrolytes - Electric lights
Emaciated - Emancipated
Electrolytes - Electric lights
Epileptic seizure - Epileptic Caesar
Erectile dysfunction - Reptile dysfunction
Esophagus - Sockafus
Eternal Optimist - Internal Optometrist
Euthanasia - Youth in Asia
Exacerbation - Exaspiration, Asserbation, Exagerbate
Exercise Stress Test - Exorcise Strep Task
Extra Sensory Perception - Extra Century Perception

Failure To Thrive - Fill Your Bee Hive
Feasts Or Famines - Beasts Of Fathoms
Fibroids of the Uterus - Fireballs of the Eucharist/Useless, Thyroids in my Uterus
Fluid in the Knee - Flu in the Knee
Flying Buttresses - Frying Buttocks
Folic Acid - Frolic Asset
For All Intents And Purposes - For All Intension Proposes

Gallstones - Gals Tunes
Gamma Globulin - Grab A Goblin
Generic Prescription - Gin & Tonic Prescription, Genetic Prescription
Genetically Diseased - Hermetically Deceased
Gout - Gouch
Grain Of Salt - Grin Assault
Grand Mal Seizure - Grandma seizure, Grand Maul Seizure
Great Stature - Grape Statue
Gynecology - Groinocology

Hale And Hardy - Heal And Hearty
Halothane Hepatitis - Halo Thin Hippo Typhus
Hardening of the Arteries - Heartening Of The Articles
Head Lice - Headlights
Heart Palpitations - Herd Populations
Heimlich Maneuver - Heineken Manure, Hemlock Remover, Hind Lick Maneuver
Hemoglobin - Hemogoblin
Hernia - Hyena
Hemorrhoid - Heavens To Murgatroyd
Herpes - Chirpies
Hiatus Hernia - Hyannis Heard Ya, Hydra Hernia, High Anus Hernia, High Hurdle Hernia, Hi Herny, Hymenal Hernia, High Anal Hernia
Herpes - Hair piece
High bilirubin - Hi Billy Rubin
Hoarse Voice - Horse Voice
Hospitalist - Hospital List
Human Beings - Human Beans
Hunger Pangs - Hangar Planes
Hypertension - High Pretension
Hypertonic Saline - Hypertonic Sailing
Hypodermic Needle - Epidemic Needle
Hysterectomy - Hickerectomy, Histamyrectomy, Hykterektomy, Hicktorectomy, Hikorekomy

Idiopathic (of unknown cause) - "Idiot"-pathic
Impetigo - Infantigo
Impotence - Importance
Impotent - Impudent, Important
Incompetent Cervix - Incompetent Service
Induced in L&D - Reduced in L&D, Seduced in L&D
Infected Sinuses - Inspected Sciences
Infection - Inflection
inflammation - Inflamminated
Inflammation Of The Scrotum - Infuraiation Of The Stroke 'Em
Inpatient Hospital Care - Impatient Hospital Care
Insomnia - In Some Near
Intellectual Impairment - Intentional Improvement, Intestinal Impediment
Intensive Care Unit - Expensive Car In It, Extensive Care Unit, Insensitive Rare Eunuch
Internal Medicine - Infernal Medication
Intestinal Fortitude - Intentional Attitude
Intubated - Incubated
Invasive Surgery - Evasive Synergy
Irresistible Impulse - Irrational Repulse
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Durable Bowel Syndrome, Herbal Bowl Syndrome
IUD Birth Control - IOU Bank Central

Just For The Health Of It - Jest For The Hell Of It

Kidney Infection - Kitty Inflatiojn/Invention/Invasion

Large Intestine - Large Intesticle
Last Will And Testament - Lost Bill Investment
Lazy Eyes - Lacy Ice
Leg Swelling - Leg Swallowing
Leprosy - Leopardsy
Lortabs - Lowtads
Lyrica - Lycra
Lymph Glands - Nymph Glands
Lymph Nodes - Limp Noids, Lymph Noides

Mammogram - Mammy-o-gram
Maternity Wards - Fraternity Words
Mazel Tov ! Molotov !
Menopause - Mental Paws, Many Paws, Mini Pause
Menstrual Flow - Minstrel Show
Menstruation - Ministration
Migraine Headaches - Migrating Heartaches, My Brain Headache
Miscarriage - Mass Carnage
Multiple sclerosis - Multiple Scoliosis, Multiple Neurosis
Myocardial Infarction - My Old Cardinal Infraction, My Car Deal Infraction
Myopia - Myopera (near-sightedness)

Nail Cuticle - Pale Cubicle
Nauseated - Nauseation
Nebulizer - Nibulator, Febulizer, Nebalizer, Mebulizer
Nerve Conduction - Nerd Correction
Nip In The Bud - Nap In The Bed
NSAIDS - Nay-sayds
Nuclear Test - Nuculer Test, Nook-ya-lar Test

Obese - O-beast
Optical Illusion - Optional Conclusion
Orient - Orientate
Osteoporosis - Osteosperosis
Oxycontin - Oxy-cotton
Oxygen - Oxgen, Octagon

Pacemaker - Spacemaker, Peacemaker
Palpate - Palpitate
Pap Smear - Pabst Beer, Pap Scare, Pepper Smear
Papilledema - Papal Edema (optic eye nerve swelling)
Paralyzed Event - Analyzed Cement
Paresthesias (numbness, tingling) - Paris Fevers
Patience Is A Virtue - Passion Is A Virgin
Penicillin - Peninsula
Peptic Ulcer - Pepper Upper, Peppery Ulcer
Percocet - Purpocet, Percostat, Purpacet, Perpocet
Peritoneal Dialysis - Parrot to Neil Dialysis
Pernicious Anemia - Vicious Anemia
Pharynx - Pharnix
Phenobarbital (sedative medication) - Peanut Butterballs
Phlebotomy - Lobotomy
Photographic Memories - Photogenic Mammaries
Placenta Previa - Presented Previously
Pleural Effusion (fluid around the lung) - Pleural Allusion
Poison Ivy - Poison Ivory
Postpartum Depression - Postmortem Disposition, Past Parting Dispensation, Pose Pardon Impression
Prednisone (steroid medication) - Pregnant Zone
Premedicated Order, Premeditated Murder
Preexisting Condition - Preconceived Notion
Prescribe - Perscribe
Prostate Infection - Prostrate Infection
Pulmonary Embolism - Pulmonary Emblems
Pyelonephritis - Polynephritis

Quincy Infection - Quality Inspection

Reflux on my Esophagram - Reflexes on my Coffeegram
Repository Of Knowledge - Suppository Of Carnage
Resectable Tumor - Repectable Humor
Rheumatic Fever - Room Attic Fever, Romantic Fervor
Ringworms - Wingworms
Rotator Cuff - Rotor Cup, Rotary Cuff, Roterer Cuff, Rotator Cup, Rotary Cup

Sciatic Nerve - Psychotic Nerve, Exotic Nerve, Psychiatic Nerve, Sanotic Nerve
Sebaceous Cyst - Cetaceous Sits
Seizure Disorder - Seashore Disorder
Self Esteem - Self of Steam
Severe Pains In The Testicles - Several Pins In The Tentacles
Shotty Lymph Nodes - Shoddy Lymph Nodes Sick Sinus Syndrome - Seasickness Sent Home
Sickle Cell Anemia - Sick As Hell Anemia, Cereal O Hell Anemia
Sinus Infection - Science Infection
Sjogren's Syndrome - Someone's Sent Home, Show Grins At Home
Skin Grafts - Skin Graphs
Slip Into A Coma - Slap Into A Comma
Smoking Cessation Classes - Smoking Sensation Classes
Spinal Meningitis - Screaming Mighty Jesus, Smiling Mighty Jesus, Spinal Moaning Jesus, Spiny Whiny Jesus
Sprained Ankle - Strange Angle/Angel
Stuffy Nose - Stuff He Knows
Sulfa Drug- Sulfur Drug
Suppositories - Depositories
Swollen Adenoids - Smokin' Asteroids
Swollen Lymph Nodes - Stolen Lamp Nose
Syncope (blackout) - Sickapee

Tarry Stools (black stools) - Tardy Stools
Telemetry - The Lemon Tree, Telepathy
Tenderness And Affection - Tenderness And Affliction, Ten Door Sand Affliction
Tension Headache - Attention Headache
Tessalon Perles (cough pills) - Teflon Pearls
Testicles - Technicals
Tetanus shot - Technical Shot
Transient Ischemic Attack - Transient Schematic Attack
TB Test - TV Test
Toxic Shock - Toxic Sock
Transvestite Ratio - Transistor Radio
Trichomonas Infection - Tracheotomy Infection, Trick Infection, Trick a Monkey Infection
Tse Tse Fly (transmits African Sleeping Sickness) - Sexy Fly
Tubal Ligation - Tubal Litigation, Tubolization
Tubal Pregnancy - Tubicle Pregnancy
Tylenol - Tylol, Tylenoids, Time in All
Type Two Diabetes - Tight Too Diabetes

Umbilical Cord - Biblical Cord, Umbiblical Cord, Unbiblical Cord
Unresectable Tumor - Non-respectable Tumor, Unrespectable Tutor
Upper Respiratory Infection - Upperatory Rest Infection
Urinate - You're An Eight
Uvula - Vulva

Vagina - Vajinga, Virginia, Pajama
Varicose Veins - Very Close Veins
Vas Deferens - Vast Difference
Vasectomy - Bisectomy, Vast Anatomy
Vaginal Discharge - Virginal Discharge
Venereal Disease - Canarial Deceased
Vomit - Vomick
Vomiting - Vomicken, Vomicking

War On Poverty - Foreign Puberty
Weight Watchers - Waste Waters
Welts (hives / urticaria) - Whelps
Wenckebach - Winkyback
Woman's Gynecology - Womb's Groinocology
Whooping Cough (pertussis) - Woofing Cough

X-ray - Sex Ray

Yeast Infection - Lease Inspection
Yellow Fever - YOLO (You Only Live Once) Favor

Zofran - Jofrain

YOGI Medical & Non medical "yogi-isms"

THE BASEBALL DOCTOR IS IN

A home opener is always exciting, whether it’s at home or on the road.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

A lot of guys go, ‘Hey, Yog, say a Yogi-ism.’ I tell ’em, ‘I don’t know any.’ They want me to make one up. I don’t make ’em up. I don’t even know when I say it. They’re the truth. And it is the truth. I don’t know.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

And they pay in cash, which is just as good as money.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

Are you dead yet?

Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.

Baseball’s different today, but it isn’t.

Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.

Boy, Whitey, I hope I never see my name up there.(To Whitey Ford during scoreboard tribute on opening day to recently deceased Yankees)

But Little League can be a great experience for kids, as long as they want to play--and don't play to bring their parents glory.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate [sic 'Waterloo']

Everybody should plan ahead for a time when they die.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious. [sic ambidextrous]

He must have made that before he died.

How can you think and hit at the same time?

I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.

If I didn’t make it in baseball, I won’t have made it workin’. I didn’t like to work.

If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.

If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.

If we didn’t want to bring him up we might as well have let him stay down.

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.

If you can't imitate him don't copy him.

If you don’t catch the ball you catch the bus home.

If you don't know where you are going you might wind up someplace else.

If you don't know where you're going you might not get there.

If you don’t set goals, you can’t regret not reaching them.

If you get a guy that can play a couple of positions, it helps you out a real lot.

I gotta shake hands with himǃ That’s one guy I know I’m better lookin’ than.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

I looked like this when I was young, and I still do.

I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary. [sic 'possible']

I'm in no condition to drive, wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

I’m lucky. Usually you’re dead to get your own museum, but I’m still alive to see mine.

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

In baseball, you don’t know nothing.

I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

I never dreamed we’d accomplish so much, but hunger accomplishes a lot of things.

I never said most of the things I said.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice; in practice there is.

It ain’t over till it’s over.

It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility. [sic 'humidity']

I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better.

It gets late early out here.

I try to accomplish something each day.

It’s like déjà vu all over again.

It’s pretty far, but it doesn’t seem like it.

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I’ve had a couple of those.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.

I wish I had an answer to that because I’m tired of answering that question.

Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

Little things are big.

Losing is a learning experience. It teaches you humility. It teaches you to work harder. It’s also a powerful motivator.

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.

Mickey Mantle was a very good golfer, but we weren’t allowed to play golf during the season; only at spring training.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Ninety percent of all mental errors are in your head.

Ninety percent of the putts that are short don’t go in.

Nobody can be all smiley all the time, but having a good, positive attitude isn’t something to shrug off.

No matter where you go, there you are.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

Pair up in threes.

People seem to find it hard to believe, but I’m a very serious person. It wasn’t luck that I became a ballplayer.

Pitching always beats batting — and vice-versa.

Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting.

So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.

Sometimes I think there must be two Yogi Berras. There is the one who grew up on the Hill in St. Louis, who’s been playing ball for the Yankees for fourteen years, has a beautiful wife named Carmen and three boys, Larry, Timmy, and Dale, and lives in a nice house in Montclair, N. J. That’s me. Then there’s the one you read about in the papers who is a kind of a comic-strip character, like Li’l Abner or Joe Palooka...…I don’t know that Yogi at all, because he doesn’t exist.

Swing at the strikes.

Take it with a grin [sic 'grain']

of salt.

Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.

That’s how I kept myself positive, by not getting all negative.

The future ain’t what it used to be.

The game is simple, but it’s never easy.

The game is supposed to be fun. If you have a bad day… don’t worry about it. You can’t expect to get a hit every game.

The hitting’s good these days because the pitching isn’t.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

There are a lot of things in life you can’t control, but how you respond to things, that you CAN control.

There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

This message won’t be over until it’s done.

Today, if things are going wrong around the house, maybe it’s a good day to work on the lawn or paint the shutters.

To say that I don’t have any worries or nerves is the opposite of the truth.

We have a good time together, even when we’re not together.

We have deep depth.

We made too many of the wrong mistakes.

We’re lost, but we’re making good time.

We’ve had enough trowels and tribulations. [sic 'trials and tribulations]

We were overwhelming underdogs.(On the 1973 Mets)

What difference does a uniform make? You don’t hit with it.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Why be jealous over things you don’t have?

Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You don’t have to swing hard to hit a home run. If you got the timing, it’ll go.

You have to give 100% in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what's left.

You saw Dr. Zhivago? Why? Aren’t you feeling well?

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

MEDICAL One Liners

Statistically.... 9 out of 10 injections are in vein
PMS jokes aren't funny; period
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up
Conjunctivitis.com — that's a site for sore eyes
URINE: opposite of 'you're out'
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'
He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart
I don't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one
A chap sees a surgeon and says “it hurts when I touch my neck, my arm or my chest”. The doctor says, “you’ve broken your finger"
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police
My doctor is wonderful; once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays
Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room? It was cordless!
What's the difference between a primary care doctor and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats
What's the medical term for owning too many dogs? A Roverdose!
When I first tried a new cough syrup, I had no idea what to expectorate
Where does an injured sandwich go? The 'Mayo' Clinic
CHOCOLATE: The other major food group
Conciousness: that annoying time between naps
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly"
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into curtains."
Doctor: "Pull yourself together!"
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog." Doctor: "How long have you felt like this?" Patient: "Since I was a puppy."
Patient: "Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter." Doctor: "I’m so sorry; I don’t follow ."
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital? The hip consultant.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” Patient: “Will that cure me?” Doctor: “Well no, but it’s the only food that will fit under the door"
My health is good; it’s my age that’s bad
Patient: “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

Very punny medical puns

General Puns

Nurses are patient people., but they call the shots.
I'm a little "vein." (vain)
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital but they kept finding me in the "I.C.U." ('I see you,' intensive care unit)
What do you call two people in an ambulance: A "paramedics." (pair of medics)
What do you call two doctors in the hospital: A "paradox." (pair of docs)
You "R.N." good hands. (are in)
Dogs can't operate MRI machines but "CAT Scan." (cats can)
Two surgeons were joking about sutures and had each other in stitches.
Did you hear about the patient with a knife wound that refused treatment? They told him: "Suture yourself." (suit yourself)
Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little "antibodies." (ant bodies)
What is a chimney sweeps most common ailment? The "flu." (flue)
What disease does a pirate usually get? "Restless Peg Syndrome." (Restless Leg Syndrome)
The depressed blood donor told the Red Cross: I don't want to "B-Negative." (be negative)
The Red Cross told the depressed donor to please "B-positive." (be positive)
The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget so they started cutting "coroners." (corners)
And then there was the smiling, naked patient with the broken leg carrying a teddy bear in the hospital hallway. He told the the doctor about his pain and was told to "grin and 'bear' it." (bare)
There was a patient who couldn't stop telling airport jokes. He was diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Anesthesiology Puns

Did you hear about the anesthesiologist who gave his patients a choice of gas or being hit over the head with a boat paddle? It was an "ether/oar" situation. (either/or)
Patient: Can I put myself to sleep? Anesthesiologist: Go ahead, knock yourself out.

Cardiology Puns

I "aorta" tell you how much I love you but I don't want to be "tachy." (ought to, tacky)
I'm a cardiologist; if you wink at me, I will "Wenckebach." (wink back)
What does a mouse do when someone stops breathing? "Mouse to mouse" resuscitation. (mouse to mouse)
A cardiologist joined the military, but only for a short "stent." (stint)

Dermatology Puns

Did you hear about the new skin doctor? He's starting from scratch.
Why do skin doctor's do well in the stock market? They don't make any rash decisions without a consultation.
Why was the dermatology patient in a hurry? She was itching to get out of there.

Gastroenterology Puns

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant, I "de-liver." (deliver)
I'm a "liver" not a hater. (lover)
A gastroenterologist tries to see patients on time because he doesn't want them to get "backed up."
The past due colonoscopy bill was marked "In arrears."
The gastroenterologist told his patients that their problems were all behind them.
Patient: I have a knot in my stomach. Doctor: I don't think it's serious, so a GI series will be all for "knot." (naught)

Ob-Gyn Puns

Please don't "ovary" react. (over)
What was the gynecologists favorite plant to move in the garden? A hosta because he was used to doing "hosta-rectomies." (hysterectomies)
Did you hear about the new OB/GYN bagel shop called the "Pap Schmear." (Pap Smear)
The most attentive gynecologist is at your "cervix." (service)
Why did the Obstetrician quit at age 40? It was a "midwife" crisis. (midlife)
When to not laugh at the Obstetricians jokes? When they mess up the delivery.

Ophthalmology Puns

If you forget to take out your contact lenses at night, you are being "iris-ponsible." (irresponsible)
An eye doctor's jokes are as "cornea" as they get. (corny)
What keeps happening at a meeting of eye doctors when they vote? The "eyes" have it! (ayes)
I said to the eye doctor, “I keep dreaming my eyes change color”. He said: “It’s just a "pigment" of your imagination.” (figment)
What do eye doctors give to kids at Halloween? Candy Corn-ea.
Did you hear about the eye doctor who cited a medical paper that gave insight into how to improve eyesight?
Conjunctivitis.com is a "sight" for sore eyes. (site)

Orthopedic Puns

I find this very "humerus." (humorous)
Breaking your forearm is not humorous, your upper arm is humerus.
I "ulna" want to be with you. (only)
A "femur-y" Christmas and a "Hip-py" New Year. (very, happy)
I "knee-d" you. (need)
I "toe-d" you I would write. (told)
What did the skeleton say before eating? "Bone" Appetit! (bon)
Why are skeletons bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
It is going "tibia" okay. (to be)

Otorhinolaryngology Puns (Ear Nose & Throat - ENT)

A sinus infection "is snot" funny. (is not)
Nobody "nose" the troubles you've smelled. (knows)
The pillows went to the ENT doctor when they felt a little stuffy.
The ENT doctor prescribed a pony as a friend for a little boy because he was a little "hoarse." (horse)

Podiatry Puns

Doctor: I don't mean to be callous but the callus on your heel won't heal.
Did you hear about the podiatrist that had to call for a "toe" truck? (tow)
What kind of patient takes a long time with the podiatrist? A centipede with sprained ankles.

Pulmonary Puns

Black lung disease is usually a "minor" problem. (miner)
Did you hear about the gambler who was shot in the chest? It was a "lung" shot as to whether he would recover. (long)
What do lungs that fall in love say to each other? "You take my breath away" and "we "be-lung" together." (belong)

Radiology Puns

Never lie to a radiologist, they can see right through you.
Why did Superman have x-ray eyes? Parental "super-vision." (supervision)

Urology Puns

When you get a bladder infection "urine" trouble. (you're in)
You've made a "vas deferens" in my life. (vast difference)
Urologists know how to go with the flow.
Now I know why the test on my kidney stone was hard to pass.

Medical meeting pun parade

The Meet Lawrenceville

A meeting of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to construct a new addition to their hospital. This is what they said and did (by specialty):

Allergists wanted to scratch it at first as this was nothing to sneeze at. They thought they were immune to criticism and concentrated gradually on trying to increase support for the project. Their wheals were turning into patches faster and faster and that would produce the reaction that they wanted to see.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was full of explosive gas. Dropping ether was too unpredictable so it was not an option. However, they took a deep breath and went with the flow. They would resuscitate their own ideas later as they turned cyanotic blue in the face. Right now they would try not to hyperventilate about it. Inhaling some laughing gas might help them get through the difficult intubations and all the staff meetings regarding the new hospital addition.

Cardiothoracic Surgeons were seeing blood red. Valve jobs were waiting to be done after the meeting. They decided to cut to the heart of the matter and were intent on washing their hands of the whole thing. They wanted to start this operation and crack open the chest full of demands that they were ready to graft on to the proposed new wing. Otherwise, they were ready to proceed into full rejection mode and scrub the plans altogether.

Cardiologists Cardiologists flip flopped on the proposal but didn't have the heart to say no. So after circulating among the crowd at the meeting they got pumped up and murmured "yes." This would avoid a premature ejection from the meeting. Hopefully, the new coronary care unit wouldn't be too tachy. A slower pace was the kind of stent they wanted. It was a steady, regular, working rhythm to which they had grown accustomed and fractionally showed a better cardiac output than a faster rate.

Dermatologists preferred not to make any rash moves but were itching to get started. The hospital addition was no skin off their noses, witch meant no cases of hex-ima were expected. They wanted to have a perpetually sunny outlook without looking like Pollyannas. They used SPF lotion to give them protection from being overly optimistic. They insisted on a high enough SPF lotion to protect everyone. Anything less would count as pore decision making.

ENT Surgeons smelled a rat. They had heard all this before and it was leaving a bad taste in their mouths. This stuck in their craw and it was very hard to swallow. They refused to stick their necks out for fear of having their motives carefully dissected. They were keeping their ears to the ground so they could hear any negative vocalizations from the hospital VIPs. However. it felt like their vocal cords had been tied in knots making it difficult to speak clearly. At meetings they would come in a little hoarse.

Emergency Medicine doctors said the project was a case of arrested development. With the new addition there would be more code reds. This whole idea to them was DOA (dead on arrival). However, in the spirit of collegiality they were willing to make a thorough assessment of the viability of a way forward. They did warn that the whole construction seemed like an accident waiting to happen. It was a shocking development and they recommended preventive measures instead of trying to treat problems after they happened.

Endocrinologists wondered if the presentation had been sugar-coated for their consumption. It felt like an adrenalin rush of fight or flight on steroids. They were willing to help stimulate productive conversation as this was a project that needed a high level of accuracy. There were bound to be highs and lows so there was no use in getting hyper over it. The master builder for this project was like the pituitary gland. It would make lots of stimulating hormones. It would be a noisy construction site.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling that was giving them heartburn. They said "that it took some kind of gall ramming this down our gullets.". They didn't think they had the stomach for it. Since they tended to be irritable, it was going to take some intestinal fortitude to get through this. In the mean time they were going to scope out other alternative solutions for the hospital bed shortage. They were tired of hospital administrators merely regurgitating policy statements.

Geriatricians were old school and often cared for those feeble in body or mind. They napped off and on during the proposal presentation. They didn't like changes and wanted to slow the pace down. Their ideas were considered antiquated and not well balanced. Some other doctors thought they weren't thinking clearly and should consider retirement and resignation from the hospital staff. These physician old timers did not have Alzheimers and had no intention of being put out to pasture.

Hand Surgeons had a good grasp on things. They didn't want to duke it out with the hospital. So there would be no fist fight today. They decided to not lift an index finger to help. They were thumbing their noses at anyone who opposed them and made a pinky swear to continue doing so. They were shaking with anticipation and had itchy palms. If need be they would use sleight of hand to achieve their desired handiwork. They still had a few tricks up their sleeve to attain their own goals.

Hematologists thought they could get to the marrow of the problem and iron out what was a heretofore anemic response to the construction proposal. Some of them were acting immature by smearing other doctors. They thought that kind of response was a wholly unproductive one. In the end they would band together, factor in a number of acute and chronic variables and give a concentrated infusion of enthusiasm to the project. A transfusion of new doctors would help out in the long run.

Infectious Disease doctors were growing weary of the hospital culture. They were sensitive to hospital needs but resistant to some of the unrestrained growth being incubated by hospital top brass. They hoped their resistance would be contagious and lead to an outbreak of solidarity. It was bound to take on epidemic proportions and spread from one host doctor to another. They feared that the discontent would propagate like bacteria in a Petri dish and that it would become a wildfire of conflagration. It could become an unstoppable force of opposition.

Internists took a practical approach to the problem and listened carefully. After a careful exploration of the staff needs and a thorough examination including some tests, a diagnosis of the weaknesses of the project became apparent. An optimistic but deliberate approach is how they wanted to proceed. They had properly assessed the problem and were ready to make some plans. A way forward required strict attention to detail and a healthy dose of pragmatism.

Male and female Infertility Specialists thought the timing was right to plan for an addition or two. They wanted to get together and help each other conceive of a way forward. This would require a nuclear fusion of pairs of chromosomes before going down the tubes. They were convinced that the future would be productive, fruitful and fertile. They were pregnant with anticipation and once the new addition was delivered they would be prepared for the care required for further growth.

Medical Geneticists said construction projects weren't in their DNA. Like Mendel's peas in a pod they suggested working in pairs to speed things up. It would be hard to replicate past successes but they would try to duplicate them now. A correct division of labor would be needed in all phases of growth and development. The geneticists intended to be a dominant factor in the hospital plans. As far as they were concerned the hospital administration was going to have a recessive (non-dominant) role in deciding clinical needs.

Nephrologists didn't have beans to say about the project so they just kept sitting on their BUNs. They wanted to contribute their ideas but their output was limited. To increase output they wanted careful attention to input and were filtering out all negative thoughts. A concentrated effort was what they had in mind. At a later stage they would loop back to this issue. Failure was not an option and they were always prepared for a kidney donation 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Neurologists thought the administration was muscling in on them and that they had a lot of nerve. They wanted to conduct things differently. This would require the management of impulses. One whole side of the plan was weak so it was a bit of a deep reflex to oppose the project. Neurologists tended to be cerebral thinkers so they decided the best way to get what they wanted was a frontal approach that would stroke the egos of the hospital bigwigs.

Neurosurgeons were sure the hospital administrators had a hole in their heads or had gone into a coma on their recent trip to Glasgow. A cranial bone flap to get inside the administrators skulls would be difficult as they seemed to have already made up their minds to expand. The Neurosurgeons were going to grow a spine, stand tall and block the expansion. In the final analysis they knew they would have to reconnect with administration to enable better communication. Their brains hadn't turned to mush just yet!

Nuclear Medicine Specialists were glowing with pride about the hospital expansion That explained why their eyes were lit up as brightly as their isotope scans. They were looking forward to reducing the decaying appearance of older parts of the hospital as they were accustomed to injecting radioactive optimism into difficult situations. They thought that their relationship with the hospital was slowly but steadily clicking along just like a Geiger counter. A scintillating give and take just might be possible.

Obstetricians were laboring under a misconception and were ready to cut the umbilical cord with the hospital. Fertile ground for another wing of the hospital was what was needed initially. A skipped or missing period one month meant they would be expecting a steady forty week production time. The project would end in a delivery of the expected addition to the hospital family. Now if they could get the hospital to understand this process they could get them out of an unresponsive fetal position.

Occupational Medicine doctors were very practical and said they would actively work with the job at hand to make it a success. They wanted to get patients back to full employment and activities of daily living quickly by trading disability for ability. Theirs was a labor of love for all those involved. They would exercise good judgment in putting together a workforce for the proposed construction. No detail was too big or small if it required attention in order to function properly. They couldn't wait to occupy their new space.

Oncologists thought they had taken enough lumps. If they weren't careful the project would spread to other parts of the hospital. The only thing they wanted metastasizing were the extra hospital beds that were needed. Their plan was to stop the divide and conquer treatment that was being used on the hospital staff. They called for a palliative approach to the problem until a time when it could be more fully addressed. Unrestrained and uncontrolled growth was the enemy and destroyer of viable undertakings.

Ophthalmologists had their own vision of the new wing and considered the plans near-sighted. In the long run a far-sighted approach was required. They would help bring things into better focus by not allowing others to wear rose colored glasses or operate in the dark. Also working with blinders on was deemed unproductive and detrimental to their long term goals. Oversights would have to be corrected as they arose. Their goal was to accommodate as many needs as possible.

Orthopedists made no bones about it. They thought the architects hit the nail on the head and had designed the new joint well. They would be crushed if their area was eliminated from the proposed addition. A total replacement of their area in the hospital was welcome. However, they didn't want this addition to fracture the medical staff or compound any problems. A simple approach would avoid further fractures and cracks in the veneer of comity. They were operating with a view toward future surgical needs.

Pain Management doctors said they had their feelings hurt by not having input into the addition. Further withdrawal from the planning stages left them feeling numb. They planned on blocking the construction until they were given a bigger shot at the planning. They were hooked on the idea of not being dependent on hospital administration for future policies on addiction treatment and pain palliation. They were taking things one day a time, one week at a time and one month a time. That way they would make it through this transional planning, construction and recovery process. What a pain in the neck this was going to be!

Pathologists **Pathologists cried, "Over my dead body" and then asked for some facial tissues to deal with watery eyes. They wanted a microscopic examination of the architectural drawings to determine if the plans were viable. Once a live action plan was in place they planned on making hospital rounds so they could slide home and finish their work. There was no need to undertake additional bodies of work right now. That would be moribund and necrotic. Now was the time for normal growth, repair and reconfiguration of their work spaces.

Pediatricians said, "Please grow up!" Only a few minor issues remained. The project was in its infancy but would mature as it progressed. "For crying out loud let's give it a shot in the arm." They wanted to be team players so they could make it to the grown-ups league. In the meantime they were trying to immunize the project against potential disastrous structural defects that could become apparent in the future. Small problems with the infrastructure in childhood can magnify into adult sized ones later.

Pediatric Surgeons scaled down their expectations for the growth of the hospital. Their plans would have to be a model of efficient use of space. They wanted growth to be steady, predictable and within normal operating limits. They would not go for growth while sacrificing quality. No matter how they cut it, a little safety comes first. In their world everything needed to be tailored for children. Pint-sized facilities for pint-sized patients. That way it was easier when they were ready to sew things up.

Plastic Surgeons felt uplifted and said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter. Let's rejuvenate this plan and try to smooth the wrinkles out." With eyes wide open a little nip and tuck is all they thought was needed to iron out the remaining creases in the plans. That's the idea that was implanted in them. They wanted to avoid a contentious flap so they were trying a low key operative procedure. They would take care of the final little tissue problems with some Botox and silicone injections.

Podiatrists thought it was two steps forward and one step back. In their world it was important to stay instep with the current shoe fashions. Being out of step was risky at best and "out of business" at worst. They wanted to stop playing footsie with the hospital administration and start trimming things that weren't needed. They first said "Let's walk a mile in their shoes." Now they were ready to put their custom inserts and work boots on and high step one foot in front of the other in a straight line to the finish.

Psychiatrists showed their "ID"s to get in the meeting. They thought the plans were sheer madness and their Superegos were getting in the way. Dr. Freud would have understood. A little shrinkage of their Egos would help them "go along to get along." Projection, after all, was one way they thought about things and they were sure they needed emotional involvement in the building process. If the hospital expansion plans should die, they would be prepared for the grieving process. They reminded themselves that it starts with denial and ends with acceptance.

Pulmonologists breathed a welcome sigh of relief. They were breathing easier knowing their functional capacity was considered and accepted. They did not want to blow up the deal. After this kind of treatment they were ready to cough up whatever it took to ensure a successful plan. The hospital was throwing up a smokescreen but they refused to inhale it. They were intent on avoiding any respiratory distress. After all, their job was respiratory support.

Radiologists scanned the proposal and said they no longer felt left in the dark. They would see it through to the end with their x-ray vision. The project would allow a scintillating expansion of their department including special procedures for unforseen diagnostic challenges. Digital X-rays of the digits of the hands and feet would now be routinely available. They felt confident in their ability to see through any obstruction of the mind or body they might encounter.

Rehabilitation Medicine doctors exercised their option to be excused from the meeting. They wanted to get back to work to improve their mental and physical strength. They were having a range of emotions about the expansion project. The hospital planned on stroking their egos to keep them happy and on the path of success. They were looking forward to improving outlooks and outcomes for their impaired patients. This was job number one in the field of rehabilitation.

Retinologists were taking a focused view of the future instead of becoming detached and separated. They refused to operate under the hospital administrations microscopic gaze. They planned to buckle down with a laser like precision and make this project the best one ever. Binocular vision gave an in depth view of the world with rods and cones leading the way. They considered themselves to be macular visionaries in their field of view.

Rheumatologists injected their own opinions and said there was a facet to the project that needed consideration by a joint committee of doctors and administrators. They didn't want problems too hot to handle to flare up later, did they? There was a tendency. for inflamed joints to inflame emotions and this would lead to more joint pain. They definitely had an aversion to that kind of situation so steroids were used liberally to temporarily put out the fiery joints and hot spots.

Sleep Medicine doctors took a nap during the presentation. They said later it was a real snorer but they were not going to lose any quality sleep over it. Their chapter of Insomniacs Anonymous would now have a place to hold their meetings and fall sound asleep. Somnambulists were excluded from the meeting because of liability concerns. Other doctors thought the sleep specialists were going through a REM (rapid eye movement) Stage of sleep and that they would doze through it.

Sports Medicine doctors felt like they had been kicked in the shins and had developed shin splints. They refused to play ball if they couldn't call the shots. They had a score to settle and the winning side was to be theirs even if they had to strain their backs doing it. There was no quit in them and they resumed their training schedule so they would be prepared for any challenges ahead.

Urologists were bent over prostrate and felt the scheme wouldn't hold water but were willing to go with the flow. The overflow crowd at the meeting proved doctors were concentrating on the job at hand. A strong, steady stream of ideas issued forth. They did ask for the frequency of the meetings to be reduced as they explored methods of increasing capacity and improving the outflow pathways. Maybe a balloon trick would give some temporary relief while they pondered a more permanent solution.

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Humorous Medical Malapropisms & Puns that Bring a Smile

MEDICAL MALAPROPISMS

"YOGI-ISMS"

YOGI Medical & Non medical "yogi-isms"

MEDICAL One Liners

MEDICAL PUNS

Very punny medical puns

Medical meeting pun parade

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint" Mark Twain

Mark Twain

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Take Action Now

Humorous Medical Malapropisms & Puns that Bring a Smile

MEDICAL MALAPROPISMS

"YOGI-ISMS"

YOGI Medical & Non medical "yogi-isms"

MEDICAL One Liners

MEDICAL PUNS

Very punny medical puns

Medical meeting pun parade

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint" Mark Twain

Mark Twain

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